After a big ol' bloggy hiatus...

Instead of nights of restlessly flipping around the internet, my TiVo, and even going back to my bad old habit of eating ice cream once the kids have gone to bed, it occurs to me I might write through my anxiety rather than eat through it while taking endless Facebook quizzes and playing (but not paying close attention to) Lost reruns.

It's Sunday night. I've spent much of the past week looking for rental houses due to a sudden urgent urge to get a bigger place. I don't need a better place. The duplex is great. Love the location, love the price, and the fixtures are good enough. But it's getting harder and harder to keep the kids in here without them at each others throats. I send them to bed at 8pm, and they're still rockin and rollin back there at 10:30pm. I need three bedrooms and I need a yard.

So far, no luck on the new house front, but I'm not giving up yet. Mia starts kindergarten in the fall, so I need to lock down at least the elementary district very soon.

Lately I've been feeling so very blech. My job has lost its shine of late. More than that it feels precarious. Frustration level is very high. I am thinking bad thoughts like being alone though what is left of my 30's. I have set goals for my health and my finances and my career and everything since getting a divorce, so as to ward off complacency and deterioration. I have a good savings, I have been actively running for almost a full year, and have been researching graduate school programs. But I still feel a certain despairing feeling creep up on me when the day is done and I have the house to myself. I feel worn out for no discernable gain. Like my days are passing unremarked upon and that is turning into my life.

Things that make me feel better:

• cleaning
• packing for work the next day
• watching Oprah
• ironing
• reading

Things that I do instead

• watch TV I don't care about
• surf the internet
• eat

Goodbye Summer

Today is Labor Day, and Darin picked up the kids for a day of car shows and father-child bonding (hopefully) bright and early. I headed out for a jog to the elementary school, around the track and back. Leaving the house I checked out the morning glory vines, as I have been doing all summer long. The kids and I planted these seeds in April, and it took until August for the plants to even start their journey up the trellis. We watered faithfully, but pretty much it has been a bust. Then today, September first, we achieve actual morning glories.

Today marks the end of summer, and the summer has been very long. It has been my first summer living on my own in years. I've spent time mapping out a new future for myself, mentally embracing my new realities, and setting new goals. Maybe the summer feels long because all that came before separating from Darin feels incredibly distant. Hasn't it always been this way? Hard to believe the way it was.

IT IS STINKIN' HOT

It has been SO HOT this week. So far this summer has not been so bad, and we have made up for it this week. All I wanted to do yesterday and today was lay on the couch under the spinning ceiling fan and drift in and out of naps.

To top it off there has been much too much eating for me this week. THe combination can't be good for snapping me out of this lethargy.

Yesterday was Papa's birthday and Janette, Mike and Sean were in town. I did participate in a group Wii bowling tournament. Does that count as activity??

Just a Typical Day at Home

A picture of what Mia called "our soldier party"

Back on line

IT HAS BEEN FOREVER since I posted to this, and I am psyched to finally be back on line. I surprisingly missed the tiny bits of writing I had been doing.

Spring has sprung and in a relatively tornado free fashion to this point. I love spring so much east of the Rockies. Beautiful time and winter is just so depressing by the time March rolls around each year.

I have been working out like a fiend the past two weeks with Casie and Joe. Yoga has become a fascination with me. But I have not completely recommitted myself to sparkpeople... and thus the 7 or so pounds I gained after my gallbladder surgery still haunt me. So I guess instead of blogging about it here I should just go log on to that.

Before I do that, let me quickly list (for all his fans) a few highlights of Quinn's vocabulary this week.

Snack of a appoe (he would like to eat an apple)

Mama (applies to me, Mia, and Grandma)

Ehmoe (Elmo - the word he says more than anything except MORE)

Wallo (water)

huggamama (hug for mama. This interupts each meal about 15 minutes after it has begun)

uppamama (please PICK ME UP RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW)

rookamama (hey mom look at this!)

whee (slide. "moe whee" means Mother, might we please not leave the playground now but instead continue to slide until I keel over from exhaustion? No? Then I will now have a fit.)

Double Standard

We had a visitor over the weekend. Hopped up on our windowsill and hung out for a couple of hours.

The kiddos were very amused by the kitty. Mavis, I think, begrudged it the freedom it has to hang out on our front porch all day.

New Birthday - Gratefully

I have been remiss lately on the blogging. Since my surgery the weather has turned cooler, it has been getting dark obscenely early; I have been sluggish and accomplishing little outside the normal rotation of meals, laundry, housecleaning, and general ruminating.

Next week is Thanksgiving... we have been living here in the new abode for three months and really it feels like a lot longer. I am sad that I am no longer a homeowner. I've been mourning it and a few other big things in my life this year. But letting go has also been a relief. I don't think about the house I thought I'd raise my children in almost at all these days.

The year is ending, and so is a phase of my life. I learned a lot over the past four or five years. Sounds so silly but I have never valued habits, consistency, and setting goals. I think I was confident that I had ability and personality and a good attitude-- serendipity would supply the rest. Maybe that's just an extension of that typical invincibility of youth.

The truth is at 32 years old I am for the first time getting methodical and systematic about what I want and how to accomplish it. My new year starts with my birthday and I've already started working on my resolutions.

Don't worry, I'm not going to become a sappy freaky self-help preachy do we have to hang out with her type of girl. If I do, give me a little slappin' around. I am just going to be focused. Things have crystalized.

I have so much to be thankful for this holiday and so much to do this coming year. I'm ready!

October, Gallbladder anxiety and birthdays

I love October. Mom's birthday was last weekend and we went to Taste of Springfield. Mia's birthday is tomorrow. It is getting cooler at night and fall is here. This weekend we are going to the pumpkin patch.

On a different note, tomorrow I am going to a consultation with the prospective remover of my offending gallbladder. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I know this is the right thing to do. I need to get it done. I will feel so much better. But ugh.

I'll make sure I post some good pumpkin and birthday pics for you all.

Poor Rodent

Today Mia told me she was going to put her dirty clothes in the hamster.

bummer. but i'm over it.

I really thought a blog by me would be more clever observation, deep thoughts, etc, less "look how my kids are cute today." But c'est la vie. Or at least c'est ma vie.

I do have other things rolling around my brain. Perhaps one day inspiration will coincide with energy.

Meantime: Here are a few more pics. First, Grandpa and Mia coloring eggs on Easter Eve. Are they cute or what? Second, some Quinn. Phil and Colleen: I need a lesson on how to do cool photo montages like you guys.

Spring is coming

My boss finally asked me when I plan to go to the doctor, as the entire staff has had enough of my coughing up lung tissue all day long, thank you very much. (that last part was implied...)

So I have an ear infection and a touch o the bronchitis. Yay! Thank heaven for the z pack.

Who gets ear infections at my age?

Two weeks from today the DeSilvas will be in sunny California. Occasion: to see my oldest friend Matt get married. I am really looking forward to the trip and to seeing the Maffei family again. They are the best and I am really happy for Matt. You know, today is his birthday. He is 31 years old. I can remember him calling me an old lady for a week when I turned 19. 19!! Wow, we are old friends.

Colleen, here is Mia's chalk portrayal of Darin, as promised. Please note the two-toned pants and the violent yellow chunks he is blowing.

(that is Auntie Casie with really LONG ARMS)

signing on

A million years I've been a devoted web surfer, reader of random blogs and just general online time waster. At last I meld that pastime with my habit of TMI.

I know you will be on the edge of your seat after this, my inaugural edition of a witty, insightful, and terribly diverting peek at my life. What's not to be enthralled with? Suddenly I'm a thirtysomething mom ensconced in a pleasant suburban home in the recent cow pasture we call our neighborhood. Most days I wake up at 5:30am with the kids and don't stop running till they are tucked in at 8:30 or so. I pick them up and drop them off; I sit in front of a PC for 9 hours or so analyzing things; I do dishes and laundry whenever I can; I give baths and wipe up all manner of my children's bodily eruptions. Not a lot of time for reflection in this routine but all the while an amazing thing is happening: I'm making a family, and all the mess that comes with it.

Let's start with the obvious. Pictures of the kids!