Halloween!

Trick or TREAT!! I want chocolate.

That was what our neighbors heard from Quinn when they opened the door for my children on Halloween. Yes, he is indeed my son.

Like the Dow Jones Industrial Average...

Over the past month I have experience great mental and emotional highs and lows. I had trouble laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep. I have much hope for awesome things. Maybe what it is I feel is the desire for those things. Also those hours are the ones I have for reflection. When the kids are sleeping my life boils down to me and a very silent house. I am restless.

This explains the blog silence for almost two months. Several things have happened in the past couple of months of note: a) actual divorce filing b) my vacation to Chicago c) I have decided to pursue a social life d) I joined a church e) I joined a single parents' group at that church.

The church and the single parents group has been a surprisingly enjoyble and even more surprisingly - truly comforting - force since I started attending. The church services are extremely non-traditional, although definitely Christian. No one has put out judgemental or exclusionary vibes, or asked me what I belive. In return for showing up I have the opportunity to join some volunteering plans around the holidays and meet other single parents for a meal and conversation every other Sunday afternoon. Older kids babysit younger kids and we discuss a chapter from a book about putting a life together for yourself and your wards after finding yourself alone in this role. I wept through my reading of the first chapter. These other folks I listen to have great humor and just take care of business and inspire me to keep on with all that I need to do with great strength and confidence.

Again and again I am blown away by how well-trodden all this territory is, how completely common this experience is that I am living. I'm also blown away with how much I have tried to live my life as an island for so long. Just joining casual groups of other people and getting out there is incredibly powerful.

Enchanted

A couple of weeks ago two coupons for free movie rental at Hollywood arrived in my mail. This meant I could go rent a couple of movies as that is normally an off-budget extravagance. I wanted to see I am Legend and No Country for Old Men... but I started with just the No Country because I don't have a lot of time to watch movies on my own. Two seemed really ambitious.

No Country for Old Men was a good movie. Not the most amazing thing I've seen but good. I liked Tommy Lee Jones and that crazy-eyed Javier dude. The main character was sort of an idiot, or at the very least someone who I could never relate to. So I can appreciate the film but don't get very emotional about it.

That was the weekend before last. This past Thursday I trekked back up to Hollywood, this time with Mia and Quinn. I rarely go to the video store (as I've mentioned) but once upon a time I was a regular and I have a big need to do the typical perimeter scan of new releases from left to right... then if still looking I work the interior.

With the tots in tow this is a drawn out stroll full of cajoling, threatening, and all out begging on my part for them to: put that down, stay where I can see them, follow me, watch out for the other nice people, etc etc.

We were getting far along our lap around the store and still no Legend. But Mia spied a very princessey DVD case. Before I could spit out "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU DO NOT PICK UP THE MOVIES PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN" she let out a very excited gasp and smiled so big and said "Please Mama can we please watch this movie together when Quinn takes his nap?"

I am putty. I say yes. I think "yay... more princesses I never heard of UGH."

I also picked up that Will Smith movie.

Mia and I watched Enchanted (twice) this weekend. This movie made me laugh so hard. There is this scene where the two leads are walking through Central Park and random civilians join in a huge song and dance number. It gave me great joy.

At the end when all the true love's kisses were happening, Mia curled up against me and grabbed my arm. I looked over at her and she had tears in her eyes. It surprised me so much! I asked her if she was okay and she just smiled and told me she was just really happy for them.

My sweetie.

I am Legend was okay.

Happy Halloween!

An Angelic evening of Dancing, Telling of Tales

Mia got an angel constume from Colleen and Phil in the mail tonight. She put it on and immediately felt like dancing.

We had a great time. After Darin went to work, I packed up Angel Mia and her little brother Quinn and took a trip to a party store. Little toys and trinkets were purchased for the Chuck E. Cheese party on Saturday. I found a big ol' fabric hat, HUGE and dome like for Quinn that was a king hat. I thought it would be perfect for him to be Prince Charming to Mia's Cinderella. But for TWENTY DOLLARS I just couldn't do it.

The next errand was to Hollywood video to return some videos. I write this all to you, dear blog readers, to express that I was cruising town with the kids for a good amount of time tonight. Each car ride was narrated fully by my girl.

She told me stories about monsters, caves, her family heroically shooting said monsters to save her, and all stories included Auntie Casie and Uncle Joe. In one story they were moving to a new city and packed up all their beds, chairs, and "furnitures" into a big truck that was really hard to drive. They were reading a map and did not see the red light and drove right through the light. Then they had to make sure they were more careful next time.

At home the stories continued, this time pretend reading to me from a real book about a character named Really Kippers. (wha - ?)

Checking in, and new hiaku throw down

We have continued to settle in to the new house. I have instituted a strict cleaning schedule to keep this place as neat as I can. Here is a photo of my son vaccuuming. It is his favorite thing to do and DEMANDS a turn whenever I bring it out.

Mia is coming up quickly on her 4th birthday. I can't believe what a big girl she is. I am so proud of her.

To continue our Hiaku fest: the subject is now Mom - (Virginia and not me).

Chernobyl? Chez P?
Chinese Aerobics, you say?
You wish we'd forget?

Grandma her hero
And to Quinn you are his GAAHH
Means so much this love

Notes on the Trip

We are back from our great California adventure. It was exhausting, but well worth the effort. The kids were troopers I have to say. It must be hard to spend 6 days sitting, waiting, arriving in rooms full of grown ups talking about who knows what, getting no playtime, spending hours in the car, and eating the crappiest food you ever have. There was actually a point at the airport in Denver when I was feeding my 8 month old child KFC mashed potatoes and bits of a biscuit. Hello yuppie travellers, observe the ghetto mamma.

When you lose that jar of wholesome Gerber baby food and drop your last piece of Zweiback toast on the nasty floor of the terminal, I defy you to find anything better in the airport for your hungry little wannabe toddler. Yes, I suppose I am defensive.

Another bit of info that gives some insight into our trip: Quinn HATES the car. For anyone who knows the area you will appreciate that he screamed from Arden Fair mall in Sacramento CONTINUOUSLY until we passed Milk Farm Road in Dixon. I think we all hated each other by the time that little car ride from Hell finally came to an end at the outlet mall in Vacaville.

I think I'm done venting. Now for the happy observations.

Mia had the time of her life from day one, despite any trials of the road. From playing with her cousins at Norm's house to helping Tim cut strawberries for our dessert, she was a star. And man does that girl love to dance. She danced and danced at Matt's wedding till she literally dropped. I love it!

It was awesome to see the Maffeis again. I have been so out of touch with any friend I might have since we moved to Missouri. Sometimes I felt like I had nothing positive to say so I didn't call to say anything at all. And then Matt invites me to his wedding and Mark, Sandy, Gina, Andrew... they all just welcome my family into theirs like three years have not just gone by. It made me realize that as I get older I need to hang on to these people who I have essentially grown up with. It is a precious thing to be reminded where you came from. That you have bonds with people that are worth attending to. I'm happy to say I've got good people. Now I should keep in touch with them!

For weeks and weeks before the trip I was sick. Very sick and very overhwhelmed with being sick, being alone with the kids almost constantly, going to work, and doing it all on as little as two or three hours sleep. I had this respiratory infection I couldn't kick and an ear infection that migrated into all sinus cavities.

A couple of days before we left I broke down and called my mom and asked her for help.

My parents always say they don't want to intrude. I think they fear being the Ray Romano type of parents, always coming over and butting in. They are very busy, loathe be "pesky"or presumptive-- and self-sufficiency is a Martell family value-- nay, a religious principle. Perhaps as a result of all of these well meaning factors we go weeks without seeing each other. It is not automatic that I would call Grandma to ride to my rescue.

But ride she did! She came over after Darin went to work one night to help with kids so I could get some packing done. I was sick as a dog, burning with fever, numb from sinus pain, wracked with coughing, all horrible stuff. She sent me to bed at 7pm. Sweet glorious sleep! What a luxury, to lay in bed alone at 7pm. Holy Moly.

Thank you Mom. I have felt good for two weeks now. A record! I think it's because you gave me the gift of sleep and motherly concern. Can't remember the last time someone put their hand on MY forehead.

Pop over anytime! Bring that Grandpa guy too.

California Here I Come....

I have been all abuzz lately, in preparation for getting the famiy to CA next week. So mnay details, from finances to clothing! Darin and I met and shopped together on my lunch hour today for the kids' dress up clothes, since today was the only day we had available together between now and when we leave. I can't wait. It will be nice to have a break from the normal grind for a little while. Although I have no illusions that it will be relaxing. I'll probably relax when I'm back at work.

Quinn is so close to standing up and walking. He is just all over the place lately. Pulling up on everything. Also he is eating a lot of table food already. Hates the baby food mush, wants anything he can grab on his own. All in a hurry to grow up!! He has started giving me big face hugs (grabs two handfuls of cheek and pulls), along with a big sloppy kiss when he sees me at the end of the day. He smiles and laughs and keeps patting me on the shoulder, touching his forehead to my chest.

It is my favorite part of the day.

After I pick him up from "the baby room" as Mia calls it, we head down to Mia's big kid playground to get her. We step out onto the playground and all the little girlfriends come running towards me, all vying for my attention, full of urgent news about their day. I make a point of getting to know the girls, asking good questions, noticing new clothes or hairdos. And they all call "KEENEY" (Quinn's nickname) and give him hugs when I crouch down to talk to them.

That is a close second.

What a rock star you can be as a mommy, if only until you get out to the car.

Party like a four year old

Saturday it was about 34 degrees and snowing. Eleven a.m. found us at another princess-a-licious fourth birthday party, this time going down at a community center indoor pool, and this time with boys and girls.

A sign of where my life is right now: the chit chat with my fellow moms poolside was the most social fun I've had outside the family in months. I want to hug them all as we leave with our tantrumy toddlers.

One mom (mother of 4 year old gorgeous big sister to another beautiful 14 month old girl), tells me her husband passed away right before her baby was born last January. I've been thinking of her ever since. I've known her casually for 2 years and that I did not know this fact makes me ashamed of myself. In my memory I can still see her husband's car pulling up outside the daycare to drop off their daughter, one of the first little girls Mia met when she started daycare. We just went to their princess birthday party a month and a half ago. Daddy wasn't there and I just glossed right over that fact.

I spend a lot of time alone with my kids. Darin works a lot and sleeps a lot and perhaps just because I'm Mom, they are my only company for long periods of time. I love being with them, Mia's conversation and Quinn's drooly kisses / boogers left on my work shirts. There is no point in whining about the exhaustion. It is unrelenting and irrelevant. It goes without saying that the kids are worth it, they need me, and from me they will learn how to handle hard moments. I know one day I'll look back and this will all have gone by in a flash and that will make me sad. So when I get only two hours sleep because Quinn has a cough and Mia comes in loudly requesting a drink when he finally drifts off at 5am, I get mad at Darin for not being home or life in general and sometimes cry and I wonder when am I ever going to have time TO JUST CHILL OUT A SECOND. But I try not to wish any time away, and just go have a cup of coffee.

This is another reason I am ashamed when I think of my mommy friend from the princess party. She gets to do all that too, plus mourn for her future with her husband and her girls' future with their father. Every once in a while Darin and I get to share a laugh or a tear over the kids. The moments occur without warning and are gone in a flash. My mommy friend doesn't have anyone to share those flashes with.

Another mom, this one of a four year old sibling-less boy, was telling me about her decision to quit her job this year and stay at home. Her husband works six days a week for the postal service, swing shift. She was very talkative and all with the TMI, (like I imagine I always am!) and mentioned in midstream that it is lonely "but it will all be worth it one day."

Another mom told me that her husband had spent the day before fishing and that morning putting together some furniture. After a pause she says, totally in a cheery voice with a smile on her face: "yeah, he needs some alone time with that furniture. So he didn't come to the birthday party."

Are we all lonely? Darin spent most of that party with Mia in one arm, big sister whose dad is gone in the other, lifting their little faces out of the water and doing laps from one end of the pool to the other while they kicked and laughed.

What do you say?

Like I said, I wanted to give them all hugs when the swimming was over and our duties swung back into rhythm.

Of course the kids fell asleep on the way home.

Next weekend: Parker's 4th birthday party at the Discovery Center. see you there, ladies.