watch until the end of this clip....
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Quotables for the week
"Sing the same thing as I'm thinking else you'll hurt my brain." (Mia to me during some random singing session we periodically have in this family)
"Amma fruck?" (Quinn, asking if we are going to take a ride in Grandma's SUV)
"Mess a Gee Gee." (Quinn, quite disgruntled and picking crayons off the floor that his playmate Gage had dumped out in a huge pile)
Ode to a Clean Garage
Last week Monday, immediately upon putting the kids to bed, I walked out into the garage and started opening boxes. I was out there in the night air sorting through until 12:15am, when a tornado siren prompted me to go inside and check the TV... and discover that it was 12:15am. Shower and sleep at that point.
By the way, the weather seemed perfect when the siren started, and as far as I could tell never got really bad in my neighborhood.
Most nights this week and most of the day today found me in the garage sorting through. My garage has been a problem looming over me since I moved to Missouri and there is no excuse. Yes, there was a rodent problem that first summer and I do find mousey evidence in random areas of my old belongings. But the worst of that I threw away as soon as it was discovered when I moved into the house in Republic with Darin in September 2004. So much of what we brought from California just never got unpacked. Then after moving to this duplex, many boxes we backed up from the old house never got unpacked either.
Purging my abode of these boxes and piles of forgotten belongings has been kind of a therapy for me. A meditation at any rate. Inside each box has been a peek inside a former life: clothes I used to wear, toys Mia used to play with, photos of what my life used to be at some random period. Above all there are books and books and books. Whatever else I did not accomplish for myself in my twenties, I accumulated a hell of a book collection that sounded interesting and I got around to reading only maybe 20% of them before they were packed away.
This garage cleaning had me reflecting on what I was running towards when I used to hop jobs every year or two, hop relationships and coasts every year or two. I was chasing happiness pretty hard and I was pretty miserable. Everything was a supreme force of will; every relationship and every job I kept one foot out the door. I was uncomfortable everywhere, in every friendship, every relationship, every geography, and so I kept on moving. "It" had to be found sometime in my travels - that thing that would click and make me feel like a natural fit for life. Funny, it never happened until I was effectively stranded out here in Springfield Missouri in a nonfunctioning marriage and new motherhood. But I'm left with all these relics from the bright, shiny, frenetic, ultimately empty chase of my younger years.
The books I accumulated, even the portion I read and loved, look different to my older eyes. Subjects like the education system, philosophy, feminism, history.... man do they pull different strings in my brain now. Age, parenthood, maybe explain that. But also I am coming from inner calm that I never had before.
When I went up to Minnesota last year to see Colleen and Phil graduate I was using Colleen's hair dryer at some point and looking around her apartment. I kept coming back to this little sign she had posted in a frame - I think it was on a tabletop. It said something like "Life is not finding yourself. It is about creating the person you want to be." Revelation. I have ruminated on that idea since that weekend. I knew on that trip my marriage was failing and I knew I needed to change my life. It is sort of liberating to give up this false sense of "searching" and just start making some executive decisions about my life. Waiting for external confirmation - seems crazy now - has been driving many aspects of my destiny for a long time.
So, I am very close to having a garage that is the envy of all my neighbors. What will I have gained? Space for the kids' bikes? Check. Good reading material for all my downtime? Check. A Hanta virus infection? Remains to be seen. (yes, that was for Phil) The biggest thing I feel like I'm doing is clearing the slate so I can create something purposeful and geniune, small scale and humble, and totally what I want it to be.
By the way, the weather seemed perfect when the siren started, and as far as I could tell never got really bad in my neighborhood.
Most nights this week and most of the day today found me in the garage sorting through. My garage has been a problem looming over me since I moved to Missouri and there is no excuse. Yes, there was a rodent problem that first summer and I do find mousey evidence in random areas of my old belongings. But the worst of that I threw away as soon as it was discovered when I moved into the house in Republic with Darin in September 2004. So much of what we brought from California just never got unpacked. Then after moving to this duplex, many boxes we backed up from the old house never got unpacked either.
Purging my abode of these boxes and piles of forgotten belongings has been kind of a therapy for me. A meditation at any rate. Inside each box has been a peek inside a former life: clothes I used to wear, toys Mia used to play with, photos of what my life used to be at some random period. Above all there are books and books and books. Whatever else I did not accomplish for myself in my twenties, I accumulated a hell of a book collection that sounded interesting and I got around to reading only maybe 20% of them before they were packed away.
This garage cleaning had me reflecting on what I was running towards when I used to hop jobs every year or two, hop relationships and coasts every year or two. I was chasing happiness pretty hard and I was pretty miserable. Everything was a supreme force of will; every relationship and every job I kept one foot out the door. I was uncomfortable everywhere, in every friendship, every relationship, every geography, and so I kept on moving. "It" had to be found sometime in my travels - that thing that would click and make me feel like a natural fit for life. Funny, it never happened until I was effectively stranded out here in Springfield Missouri in a nonfunctioning marriage and new motherhood. But I'm left with all these relics from the bright, shiny, frenetic, ultimately empty chase of my younger years.
The books I accumulated, even the portion I read and loved, look different to my older eyes. Subjects like the education system, philosophy, feminism, history.... man do they pull different strings in my brain now. Age, parenthood, maybe explain that. But also I am coming from inner calm that I never had before.
When I went up to Minnesota last year to see Colleen and Phil graduate I was using Colleen's hair dryer at some point and looking around her apartment. I kept coming back to this little sign she had posted in a frame - I think it was on a tabletop. It said something like "Life is not finding yourself. It is about creating the person you want to be." Revelation. I have ruminated on that idea since that weekend. I knew on that trip my marriage was failing and I knew I needed to change my life. It is sort of liberating to give up this false sense of "searching" and just start making some executive decisions about my life. Waiting for external confirmation - seems crazy now - has been driving many aspects of my destiny for a long time.
So, I am very close to having a garage that is the envy of all my neighbors. What will I have gained? Space for the kids' bikes? Check. Good reading material for all my downtime? Check. A Hanta virus infection? Remains to be seen. (yes, that was for Phil) The biggest thing I feel like I'm doing is clearing the slate so I can create something purposeful and geniune, small scale and humble, and totally what I want it to be.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
He Speaks, and it is Good
Sentences have broken forth from my son in the last 4 or 5 days. Requests. Commentary. Demands. Encouragement.
"Eemee, Doe, eemee." (excuse me, Joe, excuse me)
"Mama, eat dodurt?" (Mom, can I have some yogurt?)
"Mama, nice surt, mama, naasss." (Mom, nice shirt, really nice)
"See doose, mama, see?" (Can I peek in your cup of mysterious drink?)
"Okay, sorree. Mama Soree..." (Okay, I'm sorry, Mom)
This has been brewing for some time of course but the first big moment was over this past weekend when I was at Grandma and Grandpa's house with the kids and Joe was over watching a movie with us. Joe was lying on the ground and blocking Quinn's intended path. "Eemee, Doe, eemee!"
Joe looked up at me with eyebrows raised. Whoa! That was a clear request!
My boy is growing up... just a month and a half and we'll be celebrating birthday number two.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I HEART GEORGE MICHAEL
So I am sitting here watching the TiVo I have been saving of the American Idol finale. AND OMG I LOVE GEORGE MICHAEL. I used to know this and wail along with his music regularly. His songs get me so EMOTIONAL... tears or really happy. Feels so good to feel so bad with him.
I must go forth and buy the CD's I either lost in the great CD purge of 1998 or never did acquire. Take note, anyone looking for a birthday idea for me or if Santa is listening or if you were considering sending me an anonymous gift, oh secretly admiring reader.
Songs that I LOVE that I forgot:
FAITH
FREEDOM
FATHER FIGURE
KISSING A FOOL
and on and on....
I must go forth and buy the CD's I either lost in the great CD purge of 1998 or never did acquire. Take note, anyone looking for a birthday idea for me or if Santa is listening or if you were considering sending me an anonymous gift, oh secretly admiring reader.
Songs that I LOVE that I forgot:
FAITH
FREEDOM
FATHER FIGURE
KISSING A FOOL
and on and on....
Monday, May 5, 2008
Enchanted
A couple of weeks ago two coupons for free movie rental at Hollywood arrived in my mail. This meant I could go rent a couple of movies as that is normally an off-budget extravagance. I wanted to see I am Legend and No Country for Old Men... but I started with just the No Country because I don't have a lot of time to watch movies on my own. Two seemed really ambitious.
No Country for Old Men was a good movie. Not the most amazing thing I've seen but good. I liked Tommy Lee Jones and that crazy-eyed Javier dude. The main character was sort of an idiot, or at the very least someone who I could never relate to. So I can appreciate the film but don't get very emotional about it.
That was the weekend before last. This past Thursday I trekked back up to Hollywood, this time with Mia and Quinn. I rarely go to the video store (as I've mentioned) but once upon a time I was a regular and I have a big need to do the typical perimeter scan of new releases from left to right... then if still looking I work the interior.
With the tots in tow this is a drawn out stroll full of cajoling, threatening, and all out begging on my part for them to: put that down, stay where I can see them, follow me, watch out for the other nice people, etc etc.
We were getting far along our lap around the store and still no Legend. But Mia spied a very princessey DVD case. Before I could spit out "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU DO NOT PICK UP THE MOVIES PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN" she let out a very excited gasp and smiled so big and said "Please Mama can we please watch this movie together when Quinn takes his nap?"
I am putty. I say yes. I think "yay... more princesses I never heard of UGH."
I also picked up that Will Smith movie.
Mia and I watched Enchanted (twice) this weekend. This movie made me laugh so hard. There is this scene where the two leads are walking through Central Park and random civilians join in a huge song and dance number. It gave me great joy.
At the end when all the true love's kisses were happening, Mia curled up against me and grabbed my arm. I looked over at her and she had tears in her eyes. It surprised me so much! I asked her if she was okay and she just smiled and told me she was just really happy for them.
My sweetie.
I am Legend was okay.
No Country for Old Men was a good movie. Not the most amazing thing I've seen but good. I liked Tommy Lee Jones and that crazy-eyed Javier dude. The main character was sort of an idiot, or at the very least someone who I could never relate to. So I can appreciate the film but don't get very emotional about it.
That was the weekend before last. This past Thursday I trekked back up to Hollywood, this time with Mia and Quinn. I rarely go to the video store (as I've mentioned) but once upon a time I was a regular and I have a big need to do the typical perimeter scan of new releases from left to right... then if still looking I work the interior.
With the tots in tow this is a drawn out stroll full of cajoling, threatening, and all out begging on my part for them to: put that down, stay where I can see them, follow me, watch out for the other nice people, etc etc.
We were getting far along our lap around the store and still no Legend. But Mia spied a very princessey DVD case. Before I could spit out "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU DO NOT PICK UP THE MOVIES PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN" she let out a very excited gasp and smiled so big and said "Please Mama can we please watch this movie together when Quinn takes his nap?"
I am putty. I say yes. I think "yay... more princesses I never heard of UGH."
I also picked up that Will Smith movie.
Mia and I watched Enchanted (twice) this weekend. This movie made me laugh so hard. There is this scene where the two leads are walking through Central Park and random civilians join in a huge song and dance number. It gave me great joy.
At the end when all the true love's kisses were happening, Mia curled up against me and grabbed my arm. I looked over at her and she had tears in her eyes. It surprised me so much! I asked her if she was okay and she just smiled and told me she was just really happy for them.
My sweetie.
I am Legend was okay.
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