After a big ol' bloggy hiatus...

Instead of nights of restlessly flipping around the internet, my TiVo, and even going back to my bad old habit of eating ice cream once the kids have gone to bed, it occurs to me I might write through my anxiety rather than eat through it while taking endless Facebook quizzes and playing (but not paying close attention to) Lost reruns.

It's Sunday night. I've spent much of the past week looking for rental houses due to a sudden urgent urge to get a bigger place. I don't need a better place. The duplex is great. Love the location, love the price, and the fixtures are good enough. But it's getting harder and harder to keep the kids in here without them at each others throats. I send them to bed at 8pm, and they're still rockin and rollin back there at 10:30pm. I need three bedrooms and I need a yard.

So far, no luck on the new house front, but I'm not giving up yet. Mia starts kindergarten in the fall, so I need to lock down at least the elementary district very soon.

Lately I've been feeling so very blech. My job has lost its shine of late. More than that it feels precarious. Frustration level is very high. I am thinking bad thoughts like being alone though what is left of my 30's. I have set goals for my health and my finances and my career and everything since getting a divorce, so as to ward off complacency and deterioration. I have a good savings, I have been actively running for almost a full year, and have been researching graduate school programs. But I still feel a certain despairing feeling creep up on me when the day is done and I have the house to myself. I feel worn out for no discernable gain. Like my days are passing unremarked upon and that is turning into my life.

Things that make me feel better:

• cleaning
• packing for work the next day
• watching Oprah
• ironing
• reading

Things that I do instead

• watch TV I don't care about
• surf the internet
• eat

Halloween!

Trick or TREAT!! I want chocolate.

That was what our neighbors heard from Quinn when they opened the door for my children on Halloween. Yes, he is indeed my son.

Like the Dow Jones Industrial Average...

Over the past month I have experience great mental and emotional highs and lows. I had trouble laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep. I have much hope for awesome things. Maybe what it is I feel is the desire for those things. Also those hours are the ones I have for reflection. When the kids are sleeping my life boils down to me and a very silent house. I am restless.

This explains the blog silence for almost two months. Several things have happened in the past couple of months of note: a) actual divorce filing b) my vacation to Chicago c) I have decided to pursue a social life d) I joined a church e) I joined a single parents' group at that church.

The church and the single parents group has been a surprisingly enjoyble and even more surprisingly - truly comforting - force since I started attending. The church services are extremely non-traditional, although definitely Christian. No one has put out judgemental or exclusionary vibes, or asked me what I belive. In return for showing up I have the opportunity to join some volunteering plans around the holidays and meet other single parents for a meal and conversation every other Sunday afternoon. Older kids babysit younger kids and we discuss a chapter from a book about putting a life together for yourself and your wards after finding yourself alone in this role. I wept through my reading of the first chapter. These other folks I listen to have great humor and just take care of business and inspire me to keep on with all that I need to do with great strength and confidence.

Again and again I am blown away by how well-trodden all this territory is, how completely common this experience is that I am living. I'm also blown away with how much I have tried to live my life as an island for so long. Just joining casual groups of other people and getting out there is incredibly powerful.

Goodbye Summer

Today is Labor Day, and Darin picked up the kids for a day of car shows and father-child bonding (hopefully) bright and early. I headed out for a jog to the elementary school, around the track and back. Leaving the house I checked out the morning glory vines, as I have been doing all summer long. The kids and I planted these seeds in April, and it took until August for the plants to even start their journey up the trellis. We watered faithfully, but pretty much it has been a bust. Then today, September first, we achieve actual morning glories.

Today marks the end of summer, and the summer has been very long. It has been my first summer living on my own in years. I've spent time mapping out a new future for myself, mentally embracing my new realities, and setting new goals. Maybe the summer feels long because all that came before separating from Darin feels incredibly distant. Hasn't it always been this way? Hard to believe the way it was.

IT IS STINKIN' HOT

It has been SO HOT this week. So far this summer has not been so bad, and we have made up for it this week. All I wanted to do yesterday and today was lay on the couch under the spinning ceiling fan and drift in and out of naps.

To top it off there has been much too much eating for me this week. THe combination can't be good for snapping me out of this lethargy.

Yesterday was Papa's birthday and Janette, Mike and Sean were in town. I did participate in a group Wii bowling tournament. Does that count as activity??

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

You are still my baby sweetie, even though you are a big old handsome brute of a 2 year old. And still you are a bright ray of love and laughs in my life. Now you can say "BIG BOY" when I ask you if you are mommy's baby. And you can flash a sign when I ask how old you are.

I love you so much Quinn, happy birthday!!!

Just a Typical Day at Home

A picture of what Mia called "our soldier party"