Great revelations and not so much

After a big ol' bloggy hiatus...

2009-05-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

Instead of nights of restlessly flipping around the internet, my TiVo, and even going back to my bad old habit of eating ice cream once the kids have gone to bed, it occurs to me I might write through my anxiety rather than eat through it while taking endless Facebook quizzes and playing (but not paying close attention to) Lost reruns.

It's Sunday night. I've spent much of the past week looking for rental houses due to a sudden urgent urge to get a bigger place. I don't need a better place. The duplex is great. Love the location, love the price, and the fixtures are good enough. But it's getting harder and harder to keep the kids in here without them at each others throats. I send them to bed at 8pm, and they're still rockin and rollin back there at 10:30pm. I need three bedrooms and I need a yard.

So far, no luck on the new house front, but I'm not giving up yet. Mia starts kindergarten in the fall, so I need to lock down at least the elementary district very soon.

Lately I've been feeling so very blech. My job has lost its shine of late. More than that it feels precarious. Frustration level is very high. I am thinking bad thoughts like being alone though what is left of my 30's. I have set goals for my health and my finances and my career and everything since getting a divorce, so as to ward off complacency and deterioration. I have a good savings, I have been actively running for almost a full year, and have been researching graduate school programs. But I still feel a certain despairing feeling creep up on me when the day is done and I have the house to myself. I feel worn out for no discernable gain. Like my days are passing unremarked upon and that is turning into my life.

Things that make me feel better:

cleaning
packing for work the next day
watching Oprah
ironing
reading

Things that I do instead

watch TV I don't care about
surf the internet
eat

Halloween!

2008-11-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

Trick or TREAT!! I want chocolate.

That was what our neighbors heard from Quinn when they opened the door for my children on Halloween. Yes, he is indeed my son.

Like the Dow Jones Industrial Average...

2008-10-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

Over the past month I have experience great mental and emotional highs and lows. I had trouble laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep. I have much hope for awesome things. Maybe what it is I feel is the desire for those things. Also those hours are the ones I have for reflection. When the kids are sleeping my life boils down to me and a very silent house. I am restless.

This explains the blog silence for almost two months. Several things have happened in the past couple of months of note: a) actual divorce filing b) my vacation to Chicago c) I have decided to pursue a social life d) I joined a church e) I joined a single parents' group at that church.

The church and the single parents group has been a surprisingly enjoyble and even more surprisingly - truly comforting - force since I started attending. The church services are extremely non-traditional, although definitely Christian. No one has put out judgemental or exclusionary vibes, or asked me what I belive. In return for showing up I have the opportunity to join some volunteering plans around the holidays and meet other single parents for a meal and conversation every other Sunday afternoon. Older kids babysit younger kids and we discuss a chapter from a book about putting a life together for yourself and your wards after finding yourself alone in this role. I wept through my reading of the first chapter. These other folks I listen to have great humor and just take care of business and inspire me to keep on with all that I need to do with great strength and confidence.

Again and again I am blown away by how well-trodden all this territory is, how completely common this experience is that I am living. I'm also blown away with how much I have tried to live my life as an island for so long. Just joining casual groups of other people and getting out there is incredibly powerful.

Goodbye Summer

2008-09-01T10:38:00.001-07:00

Today is Labor Day, and Darin picked up the kids for a day of car shows and father-child bonding (hopefully) bright and early. I headed out for a jog to the elementary school, around the track and back. Leaving the house I checked out the morning glory vines, as I have been doing all summer long. The kids and I planted these seeds in April, and it took until August for the plants to even start their journey up the trellis. We watered faithfully, but pretty much it has been a bust. Then today, September first, we achieve actual morning glories.

Today marks the end of summer, and the summer has been very long. It has been my first summer living on my own in years. I've spent time mapping out a new future for myself, mentally embracing my new realities, and setting new goals. Maybe the summer feels long because all that came before separating from Darin feels incredibly distant. Hasn't it always been this way? Hard to believe the way it was.

IT IS STINKIN' HOT

2008-08-03T21:35:00.001-07:00

It has been SO HOT this week. So far this summer has not been so bad, and we have made up for it this week. All I wanted to do yesterday and today was lay on the couch under the spinning ceiling fan and drift in and out of naps.

To top it off there has been much too much eating for me this week. THe combination can't be good for snapping me out of this lethargy.

Yesterday was Papa's birthday and Janette, Mike and Sean were in town. I did participate in a group Wii bowling tournament. Does that count as activity??

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

2008-07-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

You are still my baby sweetie, even though you are a big old handsome brute of a 2 year old. And still you are a bright ray of love and laughs in my life. Now you can say "BIG BOY" when I ask you if you are mommy's baby. And you can flash a sign when I ask how old you are.

I love you so much Quinn, happy birthday!!!

Just a Typical Day at Home

2008-07-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

A picture of what Mia called "our soldier party"

Mia and Quinn

2008-06-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

"Bye Bye Treats!" -- Quinn to the very cool girl behind the counter as we walked out of Godiva Chocolatier

"She was even bigger than you are and that is what made me curious of her." -- Mia, describing the very tall mom of her friend Myles.

Joe and Casie Rock,

2008-06-23T20:22:00.003-07:00

or...
Ode to a Clean Garage part deux

whereas:
- we've been having crazy electrical storms lately and it knocked out the power to my garage refrigerator at some point early last week;
- the power to my house never went out and I was unaware of the warming refrigerator/freezer for several days;
- in the appliance I thought there was only beer, mustard, and ice cream sandwiches there was in fact my Christmas turkey from my job spewing purtified turkey liquid for days undetected;
- this horrifying discovery was witnessed by Joe and Casie, no matter if that witness was for sympathy or for morbid curiosity;
- Joe reconnected my refrigerator and began a re-freezing process;
- immediately upon the discovery of said rotten flesh Joe and Casie told me they would be back the following evening to help clean up;
- they did in fact show up and what could have taken all night took about 30 minutes;

it is hereby asserted and resolved:
THAT: Joe and Casie ROCK
THAT: I owe them big time
THAT: I would suck as a person with forensic responsibilities
THAT: I do not need a second refrigerator

love you guys.

In Honor of Father's Day - 2008

2008-06-19T20:48:00.001-07:00

watch until the end of this clip....

Quotables for the week

2008-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Sing the same thing as I'm thinking else you'll hurt my brain." (Mia to me during some random singing session we periodically have in this family)

"Amma fruck?" (Quinn, asking if we are going to take a ride in Grandma's SUV)

"Mess a Gee Gee." (Quinn, quite disgruntled and picking crayons off the floor that his playmate Gage had dumped out in a huge pile)

Ode to a Clean Garage

2008-06-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

Last week Monday, immediately upon putting the kids to bed, I walked out into the garage and started opening boxes. I was out there in the night air sorting through until 12:15am, when a tornado siren prompted me to go inside and check the TV... and discover that it was 12:15am. Shower and sleep at that point.

By the way, the weather seemed perfect when the siren started, and as far as I could tell never got really bad in my neighborhood.

Most nights this week and most of the day today found me in the garage sorting through. My garage has been a problem looming over me since I moved to Missouri and there is no excuse. Yes, there was a rodent problem that first summer and I do find mousey evidence in random areas of my old belongings. But the worst of that I threw away as soon as it was discovered when I moved into the house in Republic with Darin in September 2004. So much of what we brought from California just never got unpacked. Then after moving to this duplex, many boxes we backed up from the old house never got unpacked either.

Purging my abode of these boxes and piles of forgotten belongings has been kind of a therapy for me. A meditation at any rate. Inside each box has been a peek inside a former life: clothes I used to wear, toys Mia used to play with, photos of what my life used to be at some random period. Above all there are books and books and books. Whatever else I did not accomplish for myself in my twenties, I accumulated a hell of a book collection that sounded interesting and I got around to reading only maybe 20% of them before they were packed away.

This garage cleaning had me reflecting on what I was running towards when I used to hop jobs every year or two, hop relationships and coasts every year or two. I was chasing happiness pretty hard and I was pretty miserable. Everything was a supreme force of will; every relationship and every job I kept one foot out the door. I was uncomfortable everywhere, in every friendship, every relationship, every geography, and so I kept on moving. "It" had to be found sometime in my travels - that thing that would click and make me feel like a natural fit for life. Funny, it never happened until I was effectively stranded out here in Springfield Missouri in a nonfunctioning marriage and new motherhood. But I'm left with all these relics from the bright, shiny, frenetic, ultimately empty chase of my younger years.

The books I accumulated, even the portion I read and loved, look different to my older eyes. Subjects like the education system, philosophy, feminism, history.... man do they pull different strings in my brain now. Age, parenthood, maybe explain that. But also I am coming from inner calm that I never had before.

When I went up to Minnesota last year to see Colleen and Phil graduate I was using Colleen's hair dryer at some point and looking around her apartment. I kept coming back to this little sign she had posted in a frame - I think it was on a tabletop. It said something like "Life is not finding yourself. It is about creating the person you want to be." Revelation. I have ruminated on that idea since that weekend. I knew on that trip my marriage was failing and I knew I needed to change my life. It is sort of liberating to give up this false sense of "searching" and just start making some executive decisions about my life. Waiting for external confirmation - seems crazy now - has been driving many aspects of my destiny for a long time.

So, I am very close to having a garage that is the envy of all my neighbors. What will I have gained? Space for the kids' bikes? Check. Good reading material for all my downtime? Check. A Hanta virus infection? Remains to be seen. (yes, that was for Phil) The biggest thing I feel like I'm doing is clearing the slate so I can create something purposeful and geniune, small scale and humble, and totally what I want it to be.

Can you handle it?

2008-05-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

"Well, I can take the hotness."

-- Mia's comment to me after I told her we would be waiting until it cooled down this evening to go out and water the flowers

He Speaks, and it is Good

2008-05-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

Sentences have broken forth from my son in the last 4 or 5 days. Requests. Commentary. Demands. Encouragement.

"Eemee, Doe, eemee." (excuse me, Joe, excuse me)

"Mama, eat dodurt?" (Mom, can I have some yogurt?)

"Mama, nice surt, mama, naasss." (Mom, nice shirt, really nice)

"See doose, mama, see?" (Can I peek in your cup of mysterious drink?)

"Okay, sorree. Mama Soree..." (Okay, I'm sorry, Mom)

This has been brewing for some time of course but the first big moment was over this past weekend when I was at Grandma and Grandpa's house with the kids and Joe was over watching a movie with us. Joe was lying on the ground and blocking Quinn's intended path. "Eemee, Doe, eemee!"

Joe looked up at me with eyebrows raised. Whoa! That was a clear request!

My boy is growing up... just a month and a half and we'll be celebrating birthday number two.

I HEART GEORGE MICHAEL

2008-05-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting here watching the TiVo I have been saving of the American Idol finale. AND OMG I LOVE GEORGE MICHAEL. I used to know this and wail along with his music regularly. His songs get me so EMOTIONAL... tears or really happy. Feels so good to feel so bad with him.

I must go forth and buy the CD's I either lost in the great CD purge of 1998 or never did acquire. Take note, anyone looking for a birthday idea for me or if Santa is listening or if you were considering sending me an anonymous gift, oh secretly admiring reader.

Songs that I LOVE that I forgot:
FAITH
FREEDOM
FATHER FIGURE
KISSING A FOOL
and on and on....

Enchanted

2008-05-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago two coupons for free movie rental at Hollywood arrived in my mail. This meant I could go rent a couple of movies as that is normally an off-budget extravagance. I wanted to see I am Legend and No Country for Old Men... but I started with just the No Country because I don't have a lot of time to watch movies on my own. Two seemed really ambitious.

No Country for Old Men was a good movie. Not the most amazing thing I've seen but good. I liked Tommy Lee Jones and that crazy-eyed Javier dude. The main character was sort of an idiot, or at the very least someone who I could never relate to. So I can appreciate the film but don't get very emotional about it.

That was the weekend before last. This past Thursday I trekked back up to Hollywood, this time with Mia and Quinn. I rarely go to the video store (as I've mentioned) but once upon a time I was a regular and I have a big need to do the typical perimeter scan of new releases from left to right... then if still looking I work the interior.

With the tots in tow this is a drawn out stroll full of cajoling, threatening, and all out begging on my part for them to: put that down, stay where I can see them, follow me, watch out for the other nice people, etc etc.

We were getting far along our lap around the store and still no Legend. But Mia spied a very princessey DVD case. Before I could spit out "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU DO NOT PICK UP THE MOVIES PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN" she let out a very excited gasp and smiled so big and said "Please Mama can we please watch this movie together when Quinn takes his nap?"

I am putty. I say yes. I think "yay... more princesses I never heard of UGH."

I also picked up that Will Smith movie.

Mia and I watched Enchanted (twice) this weekend. This movie made me laugh so hard. There is this scene where the two leads are walking through Central Park and random civilians join in a huge song and dance number. It gave me great joy.

At the end when all the true love's kisses were happening, Mia curled up against me and grabbed my arm. I looked over at her and she had tears in her eyes. It surprised me so much! I asked her if she was okay and she just smiled and told me she was just really happy for them.

My sweetie.

I am Legend was okay.

Back on line

2008-04-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

IT HAS BEEN FOREVER since I posted to this, and I am psyched to finally be back on line. I surprisingly missed the tiny bits of writing I had been doing.

Spring has sprung and in a relatively tornado free fashion to this point. I love spring so much east of the Rockies. Beautiful time and winter is just so depressing by the time March rolls around each year.

I have been working out like a fiend the past two weeks with Casie and Joe. Yoga has become a fascination with me. But I have not completely recommitted myself to sparkpeople... and thus the 7 or so pounds I gained after my gallbladder surgery still haunt me. So I guess instead of blogging about it here I should just go log on to that.

Before I do that, let me quickly list (for all his fans) a few highlights of Quinn's vocabulary this week.

Snack of a appoe (he would like to eat an apple)

Mama (applies to me, Mia, and Grandma)

Ehmoe (Elmo - the word he says more than anything except MORE)

Wallo (water)

huggamama (hug for mama. This interupts each meal about 15 minutes after it has begun)

uppamama (please PICK ME UP RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW)

rookamama (hey mom look at this!)

whee (slide. "moe whee" means Mother, might we please not leave the playground now but instead continue to slide until I keel over from exhaustion? No? Then I will now have a fit.)

Double Standard

2007-11-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

We had a visitor over the weekend. Hopped up on our windowsill and hung out for a couple of hours.

The kiddos were very amused by the kitty. Mavis, I think, begrudged it the freedom it has to hang out on our front porch all day.

New Birthday - Gratefully

2007-11-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

I have been remiss lately on the blogging. Since my surgery the weather has turned cooler, it has been getting dark obscenely early; I have been sluggish and accomplishing little outside the normal rotation of meals, laundry, housecleaning, and general ruminating.

Next week is Thanksgiving... we have been living here in the new abode for three months and really it feels like a lot longer. I am sad that I am no longer a homeowner. I've been mourning it and a few other big things in my life this year. But letting go has also been a relief. I don't think about the house I thought I'd raise my children in almost at all these days.

The year is ending, and so is a phase of my life. I learned a lot over the past four or five years. Sounds so silly but I have never valued habits, consistency, and setting goals. I think I was confident that I had ability and personality and a good attitude-- serendipity would supply the rest. Maybe that's just an extension of that typical invincibility of youth.

The truth is at 32 years old I am for the first time getting methodical and systematic about what I want and how to accomplish it. My new year starts with my birthday and I've already started working on my resolutions.

Don't worry, I'm not going to become a sappy freaky self-help preachy do we have to hang out with her type of girl. If I do, give me a little slappin' around. I am just going to be focused. Things have crystalized.

I have so much to be thankful for this holiday and so much to do this coming year. I'm ready!

Grocery Shopping is Important

2007-11-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

Since my surgery we haven't been on a regular schedule of making food list, doing food shopping, doing food preparation.

The result? Much fast food and crappiness. Result of that? Feelings of crappiness and more eating of crappy food. Badness all around.

It stopped today - got back on Spark and in my calorie range. Actually did my strength exercises and walked at lunch. Casie and I did the fitness 5k walk from Bass Pro Shops to the Meyer Center on Saturday, and halfway through I hit a wall. Became pooped. Granted I was pushing a double stroller filled to capacity, but I just really wish I could get back on track.

What to do for inspiration? Anyone?

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T18:57:00.000-07:00

Gallbladder Recovery

2007-10-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning marks two weeks since I've had my gallbladder removed. I confess that I have not been an ideal patient. As I remember it through my morphine/benedryl/demerol induced fog, I was instructed by a person in scrubs that I should not lift more than 15 pounds for two weeks.

Quinn weighs 25 pounds. Friday I caved in. For over a week Grandma and Grandpa had been pulling childcare duty and I MISSED my babies. So I picked them up from daycare Friday and have been with them since.

My guts have been speaking to me a little. But I'm so happy to be back with them, and SO relieved to have the operation done. The surgeon says all looked good to him visually, and the procedure went smoothly. Darin and Mom were waiting for word from him after the surgery, and he came out with two sheets of pictures of my gallbladder. Eeeww! But also cool!

Thank goodness it is done. Now I just need to make myself rest more. Follow up, complete with pathology reports, is November 1st. Keep me in your thoughts.

pumpkin patchin'

2007-10-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

Where a kid can be a kid

2007-10-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

More pics to come, but here are a few of the Chuck E Cheese experience.

An Angelic evening of Dancing, Telling of Tales

2007-10-11T18:39:00.001-07:00

Mia got an angel constume from Colleen and Phil in the mail tonight. She put it on and immediately felt like dancing.

We had a great time. After Darin went to work, I packed up Angel Mia and her little brother Quinn and took a trip to a party store. Little toys and trinkets were purchased for the Chuck E. Cheese party on Saturday. I found a big ol' fabric hat, HUGE and dome like for Quinn that was a king hat. I thought it would be perfect for him to be Prince Charming to Mia's Cinderella. But for TWENTY DOLLARS I just couldn't do it.

The next errand was to Hollywood video to return some videos. I write this all to you, dear blog readers, to express that I was cruising town with the kids for a good amount of time tonight. Each car ride was narrated fully by my girl.

She told me stories about monsters, caves, her family heroically shooting said monsters to save her, and all stories included Auntie Casie and Uncle Joe. In one story they were moving to a new city and packed up all their beds, chairs, and "furnitures" into a big truck that was really hard to drive. They were reading a map and did not see the red light and drove right through the light. Then they had to make sure they were more careful next time.

At home the stories continued, this time pretend reading to me from a real book about a character named Really Kippers. (wha - ?)

the big 0-4

2007-10-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had a little birthday lasagna and birthday cake and a nice family birthday party for my favorite four year old girl.

The loot: a big girl bike with training wheels (grandparental units), a Cinderella gown with "glass" slippers (Auntie Case and Uncle Joe), letters to paint and decorate with paint and decorations and an art caddy to carry said paints and decorations (Janette and Ken), Crayons and markers and an accordion (yours truly and daddy).

Mia asked Uncle Joe (U.J. as Papa calls him) if he could be her prince and bring her glass slipper to her. Casie saw to it that he was indeed her prince. Joe, you rock.

October, Gallbladder anxiety and birthdays

2007-10-08T20:09:00.001-07:00

I love October. Mom's birthday was last weekend and we went to Taste of Springfield. Mia's birthday is tomorrow. It is getting cooler at night and fall is here. This weekend we are going to the pumpkin patch.

On a different note, tomorrow I am going to a consultation with the prospective remover of my offending gallbladder. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I know this is the right thing to do. I need to get it done. I will feel so much better. But ugh.

I'll make sure I post some good pumpkin and birthday pics for you all.

Checking in, and new hiaku throw down

2007-09-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

We have continued to settle in to the new house. I have instituted a strict cleaning schedule to keep this place as neat as I can. Here is a photo of my son vaccuuming. It is his favorite thing to do and DEMANDS a turn whenever I bring it out.

Mia is coming up quickly on her 4th birthday. I can't believe what a big girl she is. I am so proud of her.

To continue our Hiaku fest: the subject is now Mom - (Virginia and not me).

Chernobyl? Chez P?
Chinese Aerobics, you say?
You wish we'd forget?

Grandma her hero
And to Quinn you are his GAAHH
Means so much this love

Topic 2: Colleen

2007-09-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Explosion - laughter

Contagious. You can't resist.

What was funny now-?

Still when I think of
New York City I think of
You at Seventeen

First Topic - Joe

2007-09-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

Joe's recent blog post, avec Haiku has inspired me to throw down a Martell family blog challenge:

Post a haiku about the family member. First subject: my little bro Joe.

entry #1:
satellite of hair
he loves to think deep thoughts and
build huge nintendo

joe #2:
queen joe, not princess
table conversation that
makes Mia feel good

Yo Gabba Gabba!

2007-08-30T20:08:00.001-07:00

My name is Carla

I like to dance

Poor Rodent

2007-08-30T19:52:00.001-07:00

Today Mia told me she was going to put her dirty clothes in the hamster.

Back on the air

2007-08-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

It has been FOREVER since I posted, I know. But for anyone actually reading this (all four of you), I'll bet you understand. It has been a hell of a few months. When is it not, right? But holy crap it's been crazy here. When it rains it pours. I've been having deluges for a while.

Darin took a little unscheduled trip to California, leaving the day after Father's Day. While he was out there we put the house up for sale, thinking it would take at least until next Spring to go. HA! Eight days later we had a signed contract for our exact requested selling price. Cue the scramble to find a new place to live.

Finally we are all moved in to our new tiny duplex in Springfield. I have the best commute there ever was. My daily routine has been concentrated into about a two mile square area encompassing this rental unit and Cox hospital. Yay simplicity.

The move feels like a fresh start. I'm excited about it. The future is not set in stone quite yet but I do know that there are non negotiable changes afoot. It is one of those times that things get better, because they absolutely had to change.

Enough of all that. Who comes here to read my ramblings. What about Mia and Quinn?

Kid updates: Quinn is trying hard to talk. His favorite word today: "uppee dah" (puppy dog)

Mia just moved up to the "Fireflies" room at preschool - one more step on the ladder to kindergarten.

Happy Birthday Baby

2007-07-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

Today we had a party for Quinn's First Birthday. He dug right into that cupcake with no hint of hestiation.

Some pics!

And in Honor of Father's Day

2007-06-16T19:39:00.001-07:00

FLAT OUT - LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!

2007-06-16T19:20:00.001-07:00

I can't resist it - just had to post a few pictures. Lots of transition going on right now, and there will be more time to write big thoughts once things settle down. But I will say, the kids keep it worth it.

Quinn is just a few weeks away from ONE year old. Sweet little baby boy! Where did our first year go? You are a big ray of sunshine in a small little package. The powers that be must know who needs some supernatural joy in their life because you exude it.

When you were about 3 days old, I was holding you watching you sleep. Out of nowhere your face curled up, mouth opened, and you let out a huge belly laugh. Never woke up, just yukking it up with your subconsious. I think you were born a jolly soul.

How sappy am I, this last few weeks of your first year? You and my best girl Mia are my life and I love you with every last part of me. I've never felt anything like it. It takes my breath away.

Walking Skills, Car Crash, and Epiphany.

2007-05-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

Quinn is officially a walking boy. He is so proud and so cute. If I hold his little hand and we go for a walk together through the house you would think I just hung the moon, the look on his face.

Fun!

Saturday morning I crashed my car into someone else. Completely my fault. My mind was a million miles away and I blew through a red light. Both kids in the car. What a wake up call. Everyone is okay, thank GOD.

It was the universe calling. Time to stop sleepwalking through life. Time to seize the moment and make some changes. My babies count on me not to be asleep at the wheel.

Stay tuned!

Quotes and pictures

2007-05-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

I am choosing motivational mottos at Sparkpeople.com, my bestest website ever. Some I'm considering:
"Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?"
"Some say motivation doesn't last. Neither does bathing. That is why both are recommended daily."
Random kid pictures:

Fresh out of moral outrage here. Check back next month

2007-05-02T19:44:00.000-07:00

Have been in a funk lately, as evidenced by my previous post. Nothing ground breaking. Just ugh. Lots a medium to little stuff rolled into one big ugh.

So I am ruminating before my databases the other morning when the office conversation (a rare event in itself) turns to the subject of a MSU professor who resigned this week upon his exposure as a registered sex offender. Turns out he was convincted twentysomething years ago of rape of a minor. RAPE OF A MINOR. He does not claim innocence, by the way. Just says he has put his life back together, walked the straight and narrow, paid his debt, etc etc.

Whether or not he keeps his academic job, I am deeply ambivalent about. Could not care less. There is a campus community there that needs to duke this one out amongst themselves. He is a sex offender; there are child care centers, a major private school, not to mention thousands of our state's young adults in the mix there.

One of my coworkers has many close university employee friends. All her comments on this case, which is all over our local news, center on how sad it is for this professor. "Award winning researcher and professor, forced to resign" is about a verbatim of the typical comment. Other coworker in 30's (there are only 3 of us) is all about condeming the reporter who first outed this guy to the public. Oh, he's getting depressed. I hope he can put his life back together. All because this guy who is such a joker outed him in the press. Both of these people just graduated from the MSU business school in the last few years.

Um. I am obnoxiously drawn to play the devil's advocate in matters great and petty. One of the reasons, I'm sure, I was such a JOY for my parents to hang out with when I was a righteously indignant teenager. In this case I found myself getting really irritated, not just inspired to poke at their opinions for sport.

The debate over this red lettering of sex offenders is a legitimate one. To me, the statistical reality of recidivism among these people is scientific proof that we need to be wary. Not paranoid, not stripping them of all civil rights, but wary. Felons forfeit certain rights.

Couple of crotchety thoughts to wrap this uP:

if this guy thought there would be no politics involved in his teaching at a public university as a registered rapist of a minor, he is not as smart as he seems.
would my coworkers be so outraged on behalf of some guy not so peerlike? Say, the black guy who sweeps the floor, never finished high school, raped a minor back in the day but now just wants to keep coming to school to sweep the floor; to have a chance to put his life back together? gimme a break.

you'll wish I didnt bother to post

2007-04-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

Officially we have made it through the horrible winter. We've been somewhat healthier as a group. Quinn is quickly approaching his first birthday and toddlerhood. I've lost my baby weight. We are settling into what is perhaps the first stretch of time since Darin and I have been together -- or at least certainly since I first found out I was pregnant with Mia -- that I can envision the horizon more than a few months away. We have been in survival mode since moving to Missouri: scrambling for a decent job, our next mortgage payment, etc. Now we are in a more or less reliable pattern of life. What a trip the last few years has been. holy crap.

The next two years: Darin will work at Solo on the night shift. I will work at the hospital. Mia will be in preschool; Quinn will be in daycare. In the landmark summer of 2009, Mia will be headed to kindergarten and Quinn to preschool. Big changes that year - stability in the plan until then.

It is going to be a hard sprint. Hard, but I am determined to take the time and appreciate the good. My babies will be growing up a lot in this time. Darin and I won't be seeing a ton of each other. We will be scraping every day to keep ourselves from sinking under the weight of our financial obligations and at the same time take care of our health, and try to remember to be patient and good to each other so that we may still like each other when times aren't so tight. If we work as hard as we can and everthing goes exactly right, our reward will be seemingly small: the family will stay together, in our house, reasonably healthy and not broke. No new cars, no nice clothes, no furniture, no vacations, no landscaping or remodelling, no fat savings account. Just a material breakeven as reward for the hardest work and most sacrifice I've done ever.

Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful. We've been luckier than many who are more deserving. My family is the best thing I've ever done, hands down.

I do have new empathy for people whose marriages fall apart, families are a mess, diets and exercise routines nonexistent. This responsible parenthood thing can be really hard, choices extremely limited, indulgences unheard of if not arriving in an ice cream carton. I talk to my coworkers more than I get to talk to my own husband. These are the type of years when women lose themselves and couples lose each other. I can see it there like the big ditch along highway N, a threat parallel to my path and easy to see.

My resolutions during these next few years of young motherhood:

Continue to lose weight, no matter how slow the process

play a lot with my kiddies, including in a bathing suit no matter what my vanity says

keep blogging - reminds me I do have my own brain and point of view. I almost forgot.

continue to set personal goals for myself. for myself and the example I'm setting.

data analyst, data fatigue

2007-04-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

I love many things about my accidental career as a data analyst, especially the part where I wind up working in the medical field.

But there are days.

Since I returned from CA there have not been many pressing projects for me, so I've spent time building templates and cruising the data, learning new ways of querying, etc. I do this with a medical code book in front of me, experimenting with criteria by diagnosis and by procedure.

After being exposed to all those thousands of medical cases, a few things:

1. Diabetes BAD.
2. Uncontrolled diabetes DOUBLY BAD.
3. Many people tempt fate with their lifestyle over many years. These people fill the files, and it really sucks to think how much of it could have been avoided.
4. A few others really do not, and that perhaps sucks even more.
5. There better be a special place in Hell for people who abuse little babies.
6. Some people in their nineties survive some crazy stuff, and roll out of there just dandy, thank you very much.
7. I love Wikipedia.
8. Surgery, like airplane flight, might be a big scary deal to you the consumer, but seen in the aggregate is impressive and reassuring in its routine success and professionalism.

bummer. but i'm over it.

2007-04-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

I really thought a blog by me would be more clever observation, deep thoughts, etc, less "look how my kids are cute today." But c'est la vie. Or at least c'est ma vie.

I do have other things rolling around my brain. Perhaps one day inspiration will coincide with energy.

Meantime: Here are a few more pics. First, Grandpa and Mia coloring eggs on Easter Eve. Are they cute or what? Second, some Quinn. Phil and Colleen: I need a lesson on how to do cool photo montages like you guys.

Back to work in old Bethlehem

2007-04-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to put my nose to the grindstone since being back from California. The universe has not exactly been cooperating. Quinn got as sick as I've ever seen him last week, and I wound up missing two days of work. UGH. I used up all my paid time off for the vacation. Just tempting fate, I know.

Today Mia had an appointment across the street from my building at 9:45 with an otalaryngologist (one of my very favorite English words. Say it three times fast. It will make you smile if you are as twisted as me). Darin took her, and after the appointment they came to meet me. By the way, her ears are fine. Fluid, but nothing to worry about.

As a trio we walked over the skywalk into the hospital to buy Mia one of the 60 cent frozen yogurts at the "Atrium Cafe." Hand in hand we passed Same Day Surgery, Radiology, then turned the corner towards the Labor and Delivery Unit-- the last section before hitting the Cafe. So I point out to Mia, "here is where Quinnie was born." "Why?" she asks. I answer, "Because this is the part of the hospital everyone comes to have their baby born." As loud as she can, in astonished voice: "BABY JESUS WAS BORN HERE?"

Sidelong glaces from nurses, passing members of public, geriatric visitors to same day surgery, no smiles. Not amused by heathen child. Brace yourselves, Bible belters. I unleash upon you my Godless brood.

We heap on the ignorance, upon the ignorance.

"No hon, baby Jesus was born far away and a long time ago."

"Well, my baby Jesus is in my tummy. She will come out when she is big enough."

What the heck to say? "Sweetie, if your baby is a girl, you should name her something else. Jesus is a boy's name." Long ago I gave up trying to argue with her about her pregnancy.

"NO! My baby Jesus is a girl."

"Okay, that's fine. Want some ice cream?"

Aye aye

2007-04-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

Mia to Quinn, as he is crawling around the house this afternoon:

"where ya goin, Captain Peter?"

Notes on the Trip

2007-04-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

We are back from our great California adventure. It was exhausting, but well worth the effort. The kids were troopers I have to say. It must be hard to spend 6 days sitting, waiting, arriving in rooms full of grown ups talking about who knows what, getting no playtime, spending hours in the car, and eating the crappiest food you ever have. There was actually a point at the airport in Denver when I was feeding my 8 month old child KFC mashed potatoes and bits of a biscuit. Hello yuppie travellers, observe the ghetto mamma.

When you lose that jar of wholesome Gerber baby food and drop your last piece of Zweiback toast on the nasty floor of the terminal, I defy you to find anything better in the airport for your hungry little wannabe toddler. Yes, I suppose I am defensive.

Another bit of info that gives some insight into our trip: Quinn HATES the car. For anyone who knows the area you will appreciate that he screamed from Arden Fair mall in Sacramento CONTINUOUSLY until we passed Milk Farm Road in Dixon. I think we all hated each other by the time that little car ride from Hell finally came to an end at the outlet mall in Vacaville.

I think I'm done venting. Now for the happy observations.

Mia had the time of her life from day one, despite any trials of the road. From playing with her cousins at Norm's house to helping Tim cut strawberries for our dessert, she was a star. And man does that girl love to dance. She danced and danced at Matt's wedding till she literally dropped. I love it!

It was awesome to see the Maffeis again. I have been so out of touch with any friend I might have since we moved to Missouri. Sometimes I felt like I had nothing positive to say so I didn't call to say anything at all. And then Matt invites me to his wedding and Mark, Sandy, Gina, Andrew... they all just welcome my family into theirs like three years have not just gone by. It made me realize that as I get older I need to hang on to these people who I have essentially grown up with. It is a precious thing to be reminded where you came from. That you have bonds with people that are worth attending to. I'm happy to say I've got good people. Now I should keep in touch with them!

For weeks and weeks before the trip I was sick. Very sick and very overhwhelmed with being sick, being alone with the kids almost constantly, going to work, and doing it all on as little as two or three hours sleep. I had this respiratory infection I couldn't kick and an ear infection that migrated into all sinus cavities.

A couple of days before we left I broke down and called my mom and asked her for help.

My parents always say they don't want to intrude. I think they fear being the Ray Romano type of parents, always coming over and butting in. They are very busy, loathe be "pesky"or presumptive-- and self-sufficiency is a Martell family value-- nay, a religious principle. Perhaps as a result of all of these well meaning factors we go weeks without seeing each other. It is not automatic that I would call Grandma to ride to my rescue.

But ride she did! She came over after Darin went to work one night to help with kids so I could get some packing done. I was sick as a dog, burning with fever, numb from sinus pain, wracked with coughing, all horrible stuff. She sent me to bed at 7pm. Sweet glorious sleep! What a luxury, to lay in bed alone at 7pm. Holy Moly.

Thank you Mom. I have felt good for two weeks now. A record! I think it's because you gave me the gift of sleep and motherly concern. Can't remember the last time someone put their hand on MY forehead.

Pop over anytime! Bring that Grandpa guy too.

California Here I Come....

2007-03-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

I have been all abuzz lately, in preparation for getting the famiy to CA next week. So mnay details, from finances to clothing! Darin and I met and shopped together on my lunch hour today for the kids' dress up clothes, since today was the only day we had available together between now and when we leave. I can't wait. It will be nice to have a break from the normal grind for a little while. Although I have no illusions that it will be relaxing. I'll probably relax when I'm back at work.

Quinn is so close to standing up and walking. He is just all over the place lately. Pulling up on everything. Also he is eating a lot of table food already. Hates the baby food mush, wants anything he can grab on his own. All in a hurry to grow up!! He has started giving me big face hugs (grabs two handfuls of cheek and pulls), along with a big sloppy kiss when he sees me at the end of the day. He smiles and laughs and keeps patting me on the shoulder, touching his forehead to my chest.

It is my favorite part of the day.

After I pick him up from "the baby room" as Mia calls it, we head down to Mia's big kid playground to get her. We step out onto the playground and all the little girlfriends come running towards me, all vying for my attention, full of urgent news about their day. I make a point of getting to know the girls, asking good questions, noticing new clothes or hairdos. And they all call "KEENEY" (Quinn's nickname) and give him hugs when I crouch down to talk to them.

That is a close second.

What a rock star you can be as a mommy, if only until you get out to the car.

Spring is coming

2007-03-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

My boss finally asked me when I plan to go to the doctor, as the entire staff has had enough of my coughing up lung tissue all day long, thank you very much. (that last part was implied...)

So I have an ear infection and a touch o the bronchitis. Yay! Thank heaven for the z pack.

Who gets ear infections at my age?

Two weeks from today the DeSilvas will be in sunny California. Occasion: to see my oldest friend Matt get married. I am really looking forward to the trip and to seeing the Maffei family again. They are the best and I am really happy for Matt. You know, today is his birthday. He is 31 years old. I can remember him calling me an old lady for a week when I turned 19. 19!! Wow, we are old friends.

Colleen, here is Mia's chalk portrayal of Darin, as promised. Please note the two-toned pants and the violent yellow chunks he is blowing.

(that is Auntie Casie with really LONG ARMS)

Necessary Counterpoint (or, things I am glad Springfield HAS)

2007-03-10T08:31:00.000-08:00

1. Panera
2. Dickerson Zoo
3. affordable housing
4. great (but affordable? not so much) daycare for the kids
5. my family
6. green things that grow
7. Frozen custard, yes. Good call Stephanie. :)
8. Proximity to Memphis, a place I plan to go to again
9. Extremely lax fireworks laws
10. Conservation Nature Center
11. a very cool downtown
12. Hammonds Field

Things I wish we had in Springfield

2007-03-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

1. more vaguely un-religious people like myself
2. more diversity, duh
3. roads with SHOULDERS, not 1cm of pavement between you and a huge cavernous ditch
4. more than one mall
5. more than one Target
6. stucco instead of siding on standard houses
7. the ocean
8. a good farmer's market
9. non-religious programming on local stations on Sunday am (where are all my news shows?)
10. Good Mexican food
11. No tornadoes
12. Colleen and Phil (good call Colleen)
13. Hippies! Feminists! You've put your finger on it, Casie. Where ARE all these people?

Party like a four year old

2007-03-05T17:55:00.000-08:00

Saturday it was about 34 degrees and snowing. Eleven a.m. found us at another princess-a-licious fourth birthday party, this time going down at a community center indoor pool, and this time with boys and girls.

A sign of where my life is right now: the chit chat with my fellow moms poolside was the most social fun I've had outside the family in months. I want to hug them all as we leave with our tantrumy toddlers.

One mom (mother of 4 year old gorgeous big sister to another beautiful 14 month old girl), tells me her husband passed away right before her baby was born last January. I've been thinking of her ever since. I've known her casually for 2 years and that I did not know this fact makes me ashamed of myself. In my memory I can still see her husband's car pulling up outside the daycare to drop off their daughter, one of the first little girls Mia met when she started daycare. We just went to their princess birthday party a month and a half ago. Daddy wasn't there and I just glossed right over that fact.

I spend a lot of time alone with my kids. Darin works a lot and sleeps a lot and perhaps just because I'm Mom, they are my only company for long periods of time. I love being with them, Mia's conversation and Quinn's drooly kisses / boogers left on my work shirts. There is no point in whining about the exhaustion. It is unrelenting and irrelevant. It goes without saying that the kids are worth it, they need me, and from me they will learn how to handle hard moments. I know one day I'll look back and this will all have gone by in a flash and that will make me sad. So when I get only two hours sleep because Quinn has a cough and Mia comes in loudly requesting a drink when he finally drifts off at 5am, I get mad at Darin for not being home or life in general and sometimes cry and I wonder when am I ever going to have time TO JUST CHILL OUT A SECOND. But I try not to wish any time away, and just go have a cup of coffee.

This is another reason I am ashamed when I think of my mommy friend from the princess party. She gets to do all that too, plus mourn for her future with her husband and her girls' future with their father. Every once in a while Darin and I get to share a laugh or a tear over the kids. The moments occur without warning and are gone in a flash. My mommy friend doesn't have anyone to share those flashes with.

Another mom, this one of a four year old sibling-less boy, was telling me about her decision to quit her job this year and stay at home. Her husband works six days a week for the postal service, swing shift. She was very talkative and all with the TMI, (like I imagine I always am!) and mentioned in midstream that it is lonely "but it will all be worth it one day."

Another mom told me that her husband had spent the day before fishing and that morning putting together some furniture. After a pause she says, totally in a cheery voice with a smile on her face: "yeah, he needs some alone time with that furniture. So he didn't come to the birthday party."

Are we all lonely? Darin spent most of that party with Mia in one arm, big sister whose dad is gone in the other, lifting their little faces out of the water and doing laps from one end of the pool to the other while they kicked and laughed.

What do you say?

Like I said, I wanted to give them all hugs when the swimming was over and our duties swung back into rhythm.

Of course the kids fell asleep on the way home.

Next weekend: Parker's 4th birthday party at the Discovery Center. see you there, ladies.

2007-03-01T21:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to our paterfamilias

35 years old and you don't look a day older than 25. So stinkin' unfair, my dear.

Shotguns in Winter?

2007-02-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

As we all know, about a month and a half ago there was a nasty ice storm here in Springfield. The ice began to fall in the evening on a Friday in January. Colleen and Phil were in town. My parents came over that night, along with Joe and Casie and Colleen and Phil. We were all having dinner together, as we try to do when the siblings are all present in one metropolitan area.

Darin had to work that night at the plant, from 7pm to 7am, so he was out of there about 6pm, and my parents cut out early too. When the lights went out I was home with the kids and all the younger sibling folk. After a long while with no electricity, siblings all decided to go home before the roads got any worse.

Did I mention that the weather here in MO is insane? I arrived here three years ago (yipes!) in March and still, I do not pay attention. When Ted Keller, weatherman of my dreams, says get thee to a shelter, when offices empty at 3pm and people are either hunkered down at home or at the store buying spam, I don't even have clean pj's for my children or an accurate idea of where the flashlights are. So it is going to storm. It can't be a tornado since this is January. I have great fear of tornadoes, but not ice storms.

So I am alone with the kids in a very dark house for the night. No idea when the power will come back on. I think the biggest thing that struck me was the total silence from all of my household things. Not even the air in the vents moving. Outside it was extremely cold. I thought it might get chilly in the house by the time the power came back on, so I got Mia from her bed and tucked her in mine, along with Quinn.

The view from my bedroom windows looks out over most of Republic. We can see tons of houses rolling out to our south; to our southwest we can see the lights of both grocery stores in town. Before going to bed, I took a look out. Blackness. I could see the outlines of my neighbors' houses, with no light in any window. No sign of life or warmth in the whole scene. The sky looked huge and black and kept dumping sheets of ice down onto everything. I could hear it on the roof and on the walls. The houses of my neighborhood looked tiny. All this crazy weather comes rolling above it and it just blows my mind. Up till then it had been tornadoes I felt at the mercy of. Now immense coatings of ice covering everything. Our little vinyl clad boxes and strings of power lines. No match at all.

I laid there with a tiny kid on each side and stared at the ceiling. So quiet. Dark as a sack, as I like to say! Sounds of icy rain hitting the surfaces of the house and sticking there.

At some point I realized I was hearing periodic gunshots sounds outside. What the heck are these people doing? How could you go outside in this weather to cause a ruckus? Firecrackers? Shotguns? I just don't get these people. Get inside and bundle up! Yes, the cops probably can't come get you but aren't you FREEZING?

What I was listening to was all the trees splitting and cracking apart, for miles and miles around.

There was no power at our house until sometime Monday afternoon. By the time the men of the family had cobbled together a generator situation and was able to turn on some heat for brief, glorious stints in our house, you could see your breath in my living room.

I am SO READY FOR SPRING. Except that it is almost March, which since I've been in MO means tornadoes.

crunchy buns

2007-02-26T18:22:00.000-08:00

coming from the bathroom after I sent Mia in there to brush her teeth tonight:

Hot crunch buns

hot crunch buns

one a penny

two a penny

three a penny

hot crunch buns

signing on

2007-02-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

A million years I've been a devoted web surfer, reader of random blogs and just general online time waster. At last I meld that pastime with my habit of TMI.

I know you will be on the edge of your seat after this, my inaugural edition of a witty, insightful, and terribly diverting peek at my life. What's not to be enthralled with? Suddenly I'm a thirtysomething mom ensconced in a pleasant suburban home in the recent cow pasture we call our neighborhood. Most days I wake up at 5:30am with the kids and don't stop running till they are tucked in at 8:30 or so. I pick them up and drop them off; I sit in front of a PC for 9 hours or so analyzing things; I do dishes and laundry whenever I can; I give baths and wipe up all manner of my children's bodily eruptions. Not a lot of time for reflection in this routine but all the while an amazing thing is happening: I'm making a family, and all the mess that comes with it.

Let's start with the obvious. Pictures of the kids!